Friday, December 5, 2014

The Tinder Women of West Michigan

So as a technically-married-but-separated man, I've discovered that it is generally acceptable to start dating as if you were single. This isn't universal everywhere you go, but where I live, people seem to be okay with it as long as you aren't shouting it through the rooftops.

So, gay men have this app called Grindr. Grindr is an app for having anonymous sex with other gay men around you, or, as the worldlies like to call it: "hooking up." How it works is that you make a profile with pictures of you and maybe some information. Then, other men who have the app can look at you and, if they find you attractive, send you a message. Some brief flirting may ensue and if both parties play their cards right, BOOM, hot gay sex ensues.

Not content to be denied something the gay community has, straight people now have a Grindr-like app called Tinder. The premise of Tinder is pretty much the same. You post a profile and look at the profiles of people around you. If you like them, you swipe right on your phone, and if not, you swipe left. If two people swipe right on each others' profiles, they are both notified and can now begin messaging each other. The rest is up to you.

The thing is, as straight people are generally not as sexually liberated as gay people (when everything you want to do sexually has been considered a kink for a large portion of history, you tend to be pretty open-minded), a lot of people (women, in my experience, since I don't see men's profiles) don't seem to understand what Tinder is, what it's for, etc. The big thing I've noticed is that women's profiles seem to funnel into relatively few categories and subcategories. Either the woman will know what Tinder is for or not, and from there, we see the subcategories form quite quickly.

I live in a highly religiously-conservative area, and I quite often find that women (again, I'm not saying this isn't also true for men, but I don't really know since I don't see mens' profiles) don't understand what Tinder is, what it's for, and honestly some of what I see is baffling.

The Jesus Freak

This woman has the love of Jesus Christ in her heart and if you don't, you better swipe left. I swipe right anyway.

The Single Mom

This one is a mother and proud of it. Which is fine. Except the problem is every picture is of her kids riding a bicycle, or playing soccer, or doing what kids are want to do. Lady, I don't want to fuck your kids. I may want to fuck you, but I can't tell because you're hiding behind your spawn. What are you even doing on here, man?

The Insecure Suburban Wife

You'd be surprised how many profiles have the phrase "My husband and kids are my life!" on it and every picture features blouses and polo shirts in front of the best backdrops Olan Mills has to offer. Yet you're on an app that helps people have anonymous sex. I get that some people may be getting some on the side, but if that's the case, why trumpet that fact through a metaphorical bullhorn?

The Waldo

Every picture is of a group of people, and you'll spend a good 10 minutes comparing pictures to determine that she is, indeed, the ugly one.

The Elephant Man

This profile doesn't actually have a picture of her on it, but instead memes, pictures of "inspirational sayings", and motivational posters. The profile clearly screams "DON'T LOOK AT ME!!!"

The Social Media Whore

She's just here to get followers for her Instragram/Twitter account.

The Husband Quester

She thinks Tinder is just another OKCupid or PlentyofFish. She WILL find a husband!

The Deja Vu

In every picture, she's making the exact same face. The Exact. Same. Face.

The Mystery/Knows What's Up

Her profile is the most promising. It sometimes features only pictures. No bio or anything. She, most likely, knows what's up. This is a hookup site. You don't need to know each others' hopes and dreams here. Some fill out a profile because, hey, most women aren't just DTF (Down to Fuck) with anyone. The gears have to be greased with conversation and flirting first (yeah, guys, you're going to have to put forth some effort). So, she'll have a brief profile filled out, but it will otherwise she knows why she's here, she knows why you're there, and it's cool. 

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