A Thought: Prayer

People pray because they can't accept the fact that they're powerless against something.

The 6 Most Annoying Christmas Songs of All Time

One of my guilty pleasures is Christmas music. Specifically, 1950's-era and before Christmas music. Yes, even the religious songs like The First Noel, Hark the Herald Angels Sing, and Silent Night are in regular rotation on my iPhone. Hey, I may be an atheist, but that doesn't mean I don't know a good tune when I hear one, even if I do disagree with the lyrics. But there are some Christmas songs that, when they come on the radio, very nearly give me a rage-stroke. Those songs are, as Thurl Ravenscroft would say, as follows:

Whitney Houston - Do You Feel What I Feel?
The song is kind of...well...blah to begin with, but nothing makes a Christmas song worse than a 1980s/early 1990s attempt to "jazz it up." The result of Houston's rendition of the song is an off-beat, easy-listening-clavinova-heavy disaster.  The rhythm is filled with awkward stops, conjuring images of someone trying (and failing) to dance the robot to it.

Paul McCartney - Wonderful Christmastime
Another travesty of awkward 1980's keyboards. Except this time, no attempt was even made to have a melody. The worst part is that you know by the first "BEWewewewew BEEweeweewee" what you're in for. This song is literally just Paul McCartney singing over random, echoing notes played on a keyboard. Since the keyboard player in this case is not the late Wesley Willis, this is unacceptable.

Spike Jones & His City Slickers - All I Want For Chistmas (Is My Two Front Teeth)

Annoyingly high-pitched voice accompanied by Herbert-the-pervert speech whistling. No thank you.

Gayla Peevey - I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas

Why is it that every female singer from the 1920's through the 1940's sounded like Steve Urkel?

The Chipmunks - The Christmas Song

The Chipmunks are normally annoying, so this naturally extends to holiday music.

NewSong - Christmas Shoes

Because we all apparently want to think of horrifyingly tragic death on Christmas, the Christian group NewSong brings us 'Christmas Shoes.' It's about a boy who, instead of spending the last moments of his mother's life with her, he's out convincing strangers to help him buy her some shoes...so she looks good for Jesus...when she dies. I need go no further, because Patton Oswalt already covered the intricate layers of fucked-up-ness about this song already:

Shit I Used To Think #1: How to Make Sure your Homeschooled Child isn't "Missing out"

The following is a copy-paste from the blog I kept during my final years as a Jehovah's Witness.

If you consider home-schooling your children, you will without fail ask, "But what about socialization?" Fortunately, there is way your kids can receive the same
socialization that government schools provide.
On Mondays and Wednesdays, personally corner your son in the
bathroom, give him a wedgie and take his lunch money.
On Tuesdays and Thursdays, make sure to tease your children for not being in the "in" crowd, taking special care to poke fun of any physical abnormalities.
Make Fridays "Fad and Peer Pressure Day." Everyone will compete to see who has the coolest toys, most expensive clothes and the loudest, fastest and most dangerous car.
Every day, adhere to a routine of cursing and swearing in the hall and mentioning weekend exploits with alcohol and immorality. If the kids attempt to use the bathroom without permission, punish them immediately.
Finally, ask them to report you to the authorities in the event you mention faith, religion or try to bring up morals and values.