The Case Against Currency

How would you feel about spending dollar bills like these?

Imagine if in 1954, a very influential and well-funded atheist group lobbied congress to change the national motto from "E Pluribus Unum" (Latin for "Out of many; one") to "There is no God" and to have the phrase permanently printed on all U.S. currency. Imagine that this initiative passed in both houses and was signed by the President without much fanfare. Imagine that in 1970, a Christian group took the challenge to the U.S. Supreme Court, and lost. The judge's ruling stated that the phrase "There is no God" has no religious significance and reflects only a patriotic message.

How would you feel about that?

Angry? Betrayed? Persecuted?

If so, now you understand why many atheists are upset over these phrases on our currency. You may also be interested to know that many of us don't want the above hypothetical phrasing on our money, either, even though it agrees with our position. Why?

Because our government was set up to make "no law regarding the establishment of religion." Thomas Jefferson called this "a wall of separation between church and state." It is clear from the wording in the constitution as well as the explanation of that wording directly from the founding fathers, that the United States government is to take no official position on anything relating to religion, and this includes the question of whether or not a god exists. An official government statement endorsing atheism would be just as unconstitutional as one endorsing a theist view.

It can't be emphasized enough that a secular government is not an atheist government. An atheist government makes atheism an official state policy. A secular government makes no official policy on the existence of gods. It really

You Can Be an Asshole Without God

Over the past year, my favorite atheism-related program--The Atheist Experience--has been getting a call from a man calling himself, among other things, "Mark." The first few calls were a few soft-ball arguments for the existence of God the hosts easily dismissed. What followed was a cavalcade of fake names, fake accents, and fake arguments. "Mark" claimed to be a member of Austin Stone Church, and thus an Austin native. His calls ranged from hostile to amicable. Once he even kept the hosts on the phone after the show and underwent a phony "deconversion," the video of which was posted on Reddit and made the front page of the atheism section.

But the truth has been revealed: Mark is an atheist.

"Mark" is unhappy about the proportion of theist callers on the show, and refuses to stop calling until the content is 75% theists. Which, of course, has never happened. Even before TAE clips got famous on YouTube they couldn't get that many theists to call. It's simple math. How many people watch public access? Now subtract the number of atheists. Then subtract the number of theists who don't watch that particular show. Then subtract the number of theists who watch the show but don't want to call in. Then subtract the theists who have called the show in the past and don't call anymore. That is a very, very small number. If the ACA could call all those who are left and get them to call in at the same time, they could probably get through all of them in a single episode. His list of demands is particularly interesting:

1. I want more hostile theist callers.
Like this guy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DAuFJKQh83Y
And this guy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YO8eubj23dQ

I wonder if it's ever occurred to "Mark" that while he was tying up the phone lines of a show extremely limited for time, he could have been keeping a real theist on hold while playing his game.

2. My friends and I will continue to prank you until you get something like 75% hostile theist callers. If you hang up that doesn't count. I want 75% of the SHOW to be hostile theist callers.

Who is he kidding? He doesn't have friends.

But seriously, I'm starting to suspect Charlie the Atheist Homophobe was either Mark or part of a two-person cabal with Mark.

 3. Currently it seems like you have about 20% hostile theist callers. You have a ways to go.

"You have a ways to go" is code for "I'm a raving moron with an inferiority complex, and feel that I must correct everyone who doesn't do things the way I would do them in order to compensate for my low self-esteem."

4. A good start would be Chris Langan. And keeping three lines open for theists.

A good start would be making your own god-damned show if you don't like this one. You want them to talk to Chris Langan? Fine! You call Chris Langan and get him to agree to call into (or appear on) the show. Otherwise, quit bitching.

5. Good luck.

Eat a dick.  Unless of course you're gay. If that's the case, eat a vagina.

I Believe (Jehovah's Witness version)

Brother Brown:
Ever since I was a child I wanted to be a Bethelite
So, what happened?
My family and friends all said I would be alright
So, what happened?
It was supposed to be all so exciting to be teaching in lands of greater need
But, I allowed my faith to be shaken.
Oh, what's the matter with me?

I've always longed to preach to the sheep-like
To do the things I never dared.
This was the time for me to step up
So, then, why was I so scared?

A pit bull who bites people in the face.
What's so scary about that?
I must trust that Jehovah is mightier
And always has my back.
Now I must be completely devout
I can't have even one shred of doubt...

I believe that Jehovah created the universe.
I believe that He sent His only Son to die for my sins.
And I believe that He would rather I die than have a blood transfusion
I am a Witness,
And a Witness just believes.

You cannot just believe part way,
You have to believe in it all.
My problem was doubting the Slave's will
Instead of standing tall.

I can't allow myself to have any doubt.
It's time to set my worries free.
Time to show the world what Brother Brown is about!
And share the power of God through me...

I believe that God has a plan for the world.
I believe that plan involves me having a pet tiger.
And I believe; that the Board of Directors of the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society of New York channels the will of God
I am A Witness,
And, dang it! a Witness just believes!

I know that I must go and do
The things the faithful slave commands.
I realize now why they sent me here.

If You ask Jehovah in faith,
He will always answer you.
Just believe in his Organization
And have no fear!

I believe that Satan has a hold of the world
I believe that Jehovah has sent me here
And I believe that in 1965, God changed his mind about vaccines!
You can be a Witness..
A Witness who just believes!

And now I can feel the excitement.
This is the moment I was born to do.
And I feel so incredible
To be sharing my faith with you.

The Scriptures say that if you ask in faith,
If you ask God Himself he'll know.
But you must ask Him without any doubt
And let your spirit grow...

I believe that billions of people will die very soon.
I believe that when they're gone I'm going to move into one of their houses.
And I believe that there's no point in college because the world will end before I get old!
If you believe, the Lord will reveal it.
And you'll know it's all true. You'll just feel it.
You'll be a Witness
And, by gosh!
A Witness just believes!
Oh, I believe.
I believe.